I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
