found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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