i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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