if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
