On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
