I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
