Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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