I just threw up on my dentist
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
