Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize