I wish they made helmets for livers.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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