I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
