So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Too much gin, very little bucket
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
