dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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