If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
