I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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