how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
