I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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