my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
