I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
