the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
