I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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