you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
