Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize