My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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