Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
