I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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