Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
