He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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