why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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