Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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