you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
