I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
