If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
