I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
