if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
being pregnant is like rehab
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
