I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
