i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
