I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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