my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
