I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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