WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize