omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
