i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
handjob tips. give me some.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
