I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
