What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
