Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
