I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
