fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize