I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
