Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
