where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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