Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
