he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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