this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
