You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
