god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
