She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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