so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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