last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
