I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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