By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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