You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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