Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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