Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
